


going once, going twice

by snowandwolves



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, With A Twist, but give it a chance - Freeform, trigger warning for a little bit of everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29278263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowandwolves/pseuds/snowandwolves
Summary: Jennie and Lisa don't ask why this is happening to them. They are beautiful together, and the universe, with everything that is miraculous and impossible about it, couldn't help but break the rules for them if only to see another beautiful thing over and over again.
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa
Comments: 52
Kudos: 165





	going once, going twice

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot was supposed to be 5k words at most. I also wasn't supposed to post this until after IKYKWK, but apparently, I'm not really good at following plans. It gets confusing before it makes sense, but I hope you enjoy it! Also, please keep in mind that I suck at history.

Jennie clutches her head and curls up into a ball, her body trembling in unimaginable pain, her nails digging into her scalp, her breathing coming in short, ragged, muffled bursts. She keeps her eyes shut, feels the tears leaking despite her best efforts, bites the bedsheets to keep from screaming.

She's survived this before. She knows from experience that there will be no relief until it's done, no medicine that can help, no one she can rely on to keep this secret.

The pain doesn't come in waves, doesn't give her space to breathe, doesn't offer temporary relief. It is relentless, and it's all Jennie can do to keep her heart beating. Maybe it'll kill her this time. But then, she thinks of Lisa, and Jennie hopes with everything she is that she survives this one more time. She's been waiting and looking for far too long, and now that they're both here, alive and well and _so_ close, Jennie would rather lay here, helpless to the pain, and survive it against all odds than be without her again.

Her mind fills to the brim with memories, moments, and years. The pain reaches a new peak like it does every time this happens, and Jennie couldn't have stopped the tortured yelp that clawed its way out of her clenched teeth even if she tried.

She tries not to break but does her best to _remember_.

\--------------------

They meet much the same way they always do: Jennie breaks a rule.

Lisa had been shy. She barely talked to anyone, and Jennie knew that it was because she didn't have a firm grasp of the Korean language just yet. Lisa always stayed at the back of training rooms and dance studios, trying her best not to be noticed. But when she was called to the front, when the music filled the space in and out of her body, when she thought of nothing but the beat, Lisa was, and still is, _enchanting_.

Jennie had been shy, too. It took her weeks before she managed to summon all the courage she had just to approach Lisa. She remembered being worried that Lisa would be scared of her like most people are because she doesn't smile all the time, because she's not always happy, because sometimes, she just wants to cry. But Lisa has never been _most people_ because the moment she so much as said _hi_ , Lisa lit up, bright and brilliant, before telling her in a rush of broken Korean that she thought she was amazing and inspiring.

She was taken aback because Lisa looked like she'd been waiting to say that for as long as Jennie's been trying to talk to her.

And then, Lisa began a flustered round of apologies. "I'm so sorry, I don't mean to sound… how do I say… creepy? You're just…"

Jennie had smiled, maybe even giggled a little. She'd known right there that Lisa was worth it. So, without a second thought, she broke a rule.

"Thank you, Lalisa," she'd said in English, softening at the pure awe that overtook Lisa's flustered state. "Don't tell anyone I'm doing this, yeah?"

"I-of course! Please call me Lisa."

"I'm Jennie."

Lisa relaxed as she scratched the back of her neck. "Hello. Would you like to dance with me?" She asked, gesturing at the empty dance studio.

"I'd love to."

\--------------------

Here's a secret: that was not the first time they met.

\--------------------

Jennie tries to act like her reality is the same as everyone else's. If she didn't know any better, she would have said that that's the hardest thing she's ever had to do. But that's not true – she'd done and survived much harder things.

Despite that, pretending proved to be more complicated than she thought it would be. As a member of Blackpink, all eyes were on them whenever they were on the stage. The fans had noticed that she wasn't giving it her all, that she wasn't performing well, that she wasn't meeting expectations. They'd taken to calling her lazy, a spoiled brat, a bitch.

It hurt more than Jennie thought it would. Every comment, every post, every article left her feeling like she doesn't deserve to be on stage. In her best moments, it left her feeling like there are wounds scattered all over her body, open and bleeding, and unhealing. In her worst moments, it left her feeling like she doesn't deserve to be alive.

She tries not to let that show. She should have expected that if no one else, Lisa will always know when she's hurting.

At the peak of the hate and hurt, Lisa came barging into her room, not even bothering to knock. Jennie had been trying to get her mind off of everything that's imploding around her by reading a book. Before she knew it, Lisa was scrambling up the bed, gently taking the book out of her hands, and tugging at her until she's sitting sideways on her lap, Lisa's back against the headboard. Jennie lets it happen only because Lisa's arms is where she always wants to be.

"Lisa, what the hell—" Jennie starts.

"—Ni," Lisa cuts her off. "It's okay."

"What's okay? What are you doing?" Jennie asks, entirely confused, the soul-deep ache inside her momentarily forgotten.

Lisa begins to rub her back, and maybe Jennie didn't hide the quake in her voice all that well. "You can cry. It's okay if you don't feel okay. You can cry; I'm here."

Jennie inhales sharply, bites her bottom lip, and wonders how Lisa still knows her best despite not knowing what Jennie now remembers. She shakes her head stubbornly because she wouldn't be here if she didn't at least try to put up a fight against the very concept of leaving herself vulnerable and raw. Lisa lifts a hand in response and presses it to the side of her head, urging her to rest on her chest. Jennie doesn't have it in her to keep resisting.

"I won't let go," Lisa whispers. "I promise."

Jennie breathes.

And then, she breaks.

For a while, she is nothing but a mess of smothered sobs and hitching breaths. She cries because they might be right, cries because being lazy, a spoiled brat, a bitch are not the reasons why they might be right, cries because she can't tell anyone the real reason – the only reason. Lisa's hold tightens, and Jennie knows without looking that she's crying with her because that's how it's always, _always_ , been for them. So, she keeps crying not just because of the devastation hate can cause but also because she's survived an impossible thing, because she _remembers_ , because there's a reason why she should do better.

Lisa's _here_. And Jennie's not about to ruin this for them.

Later, much, much later, Jennie sniffs and feels nothing but the way Lisa sinks her fingers into her hair.

"How did you know?" Jennie asks, her voice scratchy and wobbly from crying her heart out.

Lisa tries to shrug the shoulder she's not resting on. "You only read Harry Potter when you're trying not to break."

Jennie closes her eyes and doesn't try to stop the words from slipping past her lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Jennie drinks the words in like she's parched and starved and deprived. It sounds wrong and not at all the way she knows it can sound. Lisa's _I love you_ is light – it lacks the weight of impossibilities and memories and _lifetimes_.

\--------------------

The first time they met, Jennie was the daughter of a baker and Lisa was an apprentice of a traveling trader. Her father was strict, and he had her life planned out before she was even born. She was to take over the bakery, lead their family to the upper class, and surrender to an arranged marriage. She wasn't allowed to do many things like step a foot outside the bakery unaccompanied, like receive a proper education, like fall in love.

Lisa was charming as most traders were. But unlike others, she was also honest – she told Jennie where to go for the best deals, what to buy, and what not to buy from whom. Jennie had asked her why she was helping her. And Lisa had smiled and blushed but looked her straight in the eye when she told her that she'd like to see her again.

Jennie broke a rule that day – she didn't go home until late, too enraptured by Lisa's tales, too comforted by her attention, too taken by the prospect of having a friend.

They couldn't meet all that often, but when they did, Jennie left pieces of herself in stories. In turn, Lisa taught her to read and write and, slowly (carefully), to live and love.

So, when Lisa asked her to come with her days before she was set to leave, Jennie knew that there was only one answer. They left in the middle of the night, taking what little Jennie could get from the bakery while her father slept and the money that Lisa was allowed to hold. They left their previous lives and entered something new, something unfamiliar, something larger than life.

They traveled for as long as they could, stopping here and there to earn back the money they spent. It wasn't the upper-class life that her father had in mind for her, but Jennie, for the first time in her life, was happy. Lisa was always so careful with her, so gentle, so loving that Jennie couldn't stop herself from falling.

Jennie kissed Lisa first – in gratitude, in hope, in love.

It scared them. There was so much they didn't understand about how they felt for each other. They knew that they were far from typical, knew that hiding is a non-negotiable if they want to survive, knew that they were in love. They didn't have much to help them understand why they were so different and why it felt wrong to be in love out in the open. It scared them, but the thought of giving it up scared them even more. Jennie didn’t know much about love, but she had lived long enough to know that letting go is a mistake she should never make.

They were both romantics, but they quickly – and harshly – learned that all good things come to an end.

Their happiness ended when her father managed to track them down. To this day, Jennie doesn't know how he managed to find them, how he found it in himself to accuse Lisa of being a witch, how he let the local court drag Lisa away from the home they made.

Jennie remembered crying blood, sweat, and tears as she begged her father again and again to stop. She remembered how Lisa curled up in a cell, alone and terrified. She remembered realizing that the possibility of living in a world without Lisa is more terrifying than letting her go.

But no matter how much she begged and cried and prayed, the universe wasn't kind to them.

Lisa's last words to her are forever branded in her mind.

"I'll find you, Jennie. I'll find you in the next lifetime," Lisa had said in between heart-wrenching screams and helpless sobs.

The fire licked at Lisa's skin, and Jennie could feel every burn as if she were the one at the stake. Perhaps it was morbid fascination or perhaps it was because Lisa is the reason why she knows how to read and write and live and love and so much more, but Jennie couldn't look away even as her father held her back.

"I'll find you," Lisa repeated like she knows it for certain, like she doesn't believe in anything else, like it's the only truth she knew.

The first time they met was in the year 1688.

Lisa was burned at the stake in 1690.

Jennie knelt by her ashes, hands curled into fists, tears unending, and vows, "if you don't, I'll find _you_."

\--------------------

Here's a list of things Jennie found much harder to do:

  1. Watched the love of her life burn at the stake.
  2. Letting her soulmate marry someone who beat her within an inch of death.
  3. Sent her lover off to war.
  4. Kept a secret in the 1950s.
  5. Lived several lifetimes feeling incomplete but never knowing why.



Like she said, she's survived much, _much_ worse.

Being without Lisa is the worst of all.

\--------------------

Jennie picks herself up from the devastation, brushes herself off, and stands straighter. She gathers herself up piece by piece and builds herself into someone stronger. So when Dispatch released the news that she was dating Kai, she confronted it head-on.

"Jennie, is this true?" Jisoo asks, looking equal parts disappointed and worried.

Jennie doesn't hesitate. "No," she answers firmly, letting an undercurrent of who she was in a past life – when she bled blue – soak into her tone.

She doesn't yield, doesn't cower, doesn't bend.

It must be off-putting because Jisoo shows utter confusion and Chaeyoung, for a quick second, looks at her like she doesn't recognize her. She doesn't look up at Lisa, who sits on the armrest of the chair she's sitting on. She's terrified that Lisa will see a different version of her in a different lifetime, and Jennie's not at all ready for what it could do, what it could mean, what it could change.

"Then, why…?" Jisoo trails off, seemingly afraid of asking her a question.

Jennie forces herself to soften and tries to channel who she was before she remembered. "I don't know, unnie. We're friends. The photo they took is from a hangout. Nothing more, nothing less. I haven't contacted him recently. But please believe me when I say that I'm not dating him."

She chokes down _I'm in love with Lisa_ and _I want this lifetime with her_ and _in all the lives I've lived, I haven't wanted anyone else as much as I want her._

Lisa rests a warm hand on her shoulder, and Jennie very nearly falls apart again. "I believe you."

She reaches up to interlace their fingers together and tries not to ask something strange ( _how long will it take you to remember?_ ), something selfish ( _do you love me yet?_ ), something desperate ( _will you remember me this time around?_ ). "Thank you," is what she says instead.

Lisa's fingers curl around hers the way they always do, and Jennie doesn't stop herself from placing a feather-light kiss on the back of her hand. "I'm okay," she reassures her, knowing what Lisa wants to ask. "Don't worry."

"Okay," Lisa says simply and doesn't question her.

And Jennie doesn't think she's ever told Lisa how much she appreciates, values, _loves_ the way she trusts her to know herself.

She's glad that even after all this time, there are still things about herself that she can share with Lisa.

\--------------------

Falling for Lisa is slow and inevitable.

The day that she realized that what she felt for Lisa was something _more_ , nothing had been out of the ordinary. There was nothing that couldn't happen any other day, nothing that could trigger an epiphany, nothing that could tilt her world upside down. They all had different schedules that day – Jisoo and Lisa had a photoshoot, Chaeyoung was out recording her part for "Ddu-Du Ddu-Du," and Jennie had just gotten home from dance practice.

She had decided to spend the rest of the day trying to draw out her creativity with a pen and paper. She'd made herself a coffee and got comfortable in her room. Her well-worn notebook was almost filled to the brim with songs that will never see the light of day, but Jennie thought she could fit one more because she writes songs when there are things she doesn't have the courage to say, because music is where she can be herself and no one else, because this notebook has her heart in between the lines.

Trying to find inspiration, Jennie had skimmed through what she'd written. She was hunting for a word that could inspire an entire song, a melody that could guide her hand, an image to think of. She had brushed her fingertips on each page, remembering how knowing she was inadequate in the eyes of her father felt, how being in the midst of three other bodies on a double bed made her realize that there is such a thing as a found family, how watching Lisa made her want to create a beat, a melody, a song that could embody what the blonde was capable of the moment it starts playing.

She hasn't shown these to Lisa. Jennie didn't think it was anywhere near perfect just yet. She tried to bring up the chords and the beat and the lyrics in her head, and she shook her head, already knowing that Lisa could move and glide far more than the imagined melody. She wondered if maybe the problem was that there was no single song that could capture all of Lisa's effortless grace on the dance floor. Maybe Jennie had been trying too hard to be Orpheus when she clearly wasn't favored by the gods. Maybe she needed to fill up the pages of a new notebook with songs that Lisa could play for every emotion, every movement, every moment.

Jennie just wanted to give Lisa enough songs to keep her dancing because she's most content when she's listening to a song on repeat and trying to come up with a choreography that's always better than the last. She's happiest when the music starts playing and there's no one and nothing but her body and the beat. Jennie wanted that for her so that Lisa could keep dancing, could keep believing that she's beautiful, could keep doing what she loves to do.

It isn't much, Jennie thought, but she knew no other way to love Lisa.

Because she does. She—

—is in love with Lisa.

Jennie slammed the pen down and ignored the way her palm protested.

_Oh my God._

She staggered to her feet, unseeing, disbelieving, _falling_.

_Oh my fucking God._

And then, the pain settled in, lit her on fire, and ripped her apart.

\--------------------

Here's a condition: they _remember_ only when they fall in love with each other.

Here's another one: there is always, _always_ , pain.

\--------------------

It takes a while, but Jennie finds a balance between the part of her that is a secret to all but one and the part of her that knows nothing but this lifetime. She learns that it's easier to pretend that nothing has changed if she spent her time alone being different versions of herself. She finds that living this lifetime the way she did before she remembered is easier when she's surrounded by her family, both found and by blood. But if there's anything that Jennie has yet to learn – not in this lifetime or the ones before this – it's how to stop wearing her love for everyone to see.

So, she doesn't try.

She figured that if her love was big enough for a deity to see and decide that it should be extraordinary, then there's no point trying to grab it with her human hands, shackle it with something heavy like responsibilities and expectations, and restrain it even if it kills her.

In this lifetime, Jennie has long since learned to value all things temporary, appreciate all things beautiful, and share all things good. Love is all of those, and Jennie found no reason – not her career, not the company, not the world, and not even herself – to keep Lisa from being loved when she knows that she could offer that and more.

Jennie doesn't stop the smile that stretches across her face when Lisa laughs, loud and full, at something that Jisoo did. When the blonde catches her looking, Jennie doesn't avert her eyes, letting Lisa see the way her happiness is infectious, the way Jennie holds it close to her heart, the way Jennie thinks _happy_ is what she deserves to be.

When they're traveling separately, Jennie makes an effort to ask Lisa if she's eaten, if she's feeling okay, if she's safe. She texts _I miss you_ and doesn't follow it up with anything too big like _I love you_.

On another day, Jennie drags Chaeyoung to Lisa's photoshoot, knowing that they had five minutes tops before they can no longer delay going to the company. Jennie does her best not to be seen, thankful that Lisa's manager doesn't ask why she's suddenly there, and hurriedly leaves a box of chocolates, ice-cold coffee, and a still-warm lunchbox filled to the brim with _gamjatang_. She doesn't tell Lisa. She doesn't need the credit or the attention or the thanks. She just needs Lisa to be okay and loved and happy.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Chaeyoung asks as soon as Jennie manages to scurry back into the company car.

Jennie looks at her and knows the weight of the question in this lifetime, in this country, in who they are. Still, she doesn't hide.

"Yes," she answers, sure and sweet and happy.

Chaeyoung stares, and Jennie chuckles at her shock. "Did you expect me to deny it?"

"Kind of, yes. I've known you for so long, but that might be the first time I didn't have to resort to drastic measures to get you to share," Chaeyoung deadpans before smiling sheepishly.

Jennie mentally calculates how long it's going to take them to get to the company before looking back at Chaeyoung and raising a finger. "You get one question for now."

"For now?"

"I'll let you ask more questions some other time."

Chaeyoung beams, her entire being screaming excitement. " _Any_ question?"

"Just ask before I change my mind, hubby."

Chaeyoung pouts but acquiesces. "How long have you been in love with her?"

Jennie doesn't hide. "Longer than you'd believe."

"Wifey, that's not enough of an answer!"

Jennie only laughs.

\--------------------

They took their impossibility for granted once.

That lifetime was as normal as could be. They met, they became friends, they fell in love, and then, they remembered. In that lifetime, they were both orphans – they had no family to please, no expectations to meet, no future to run away from. They still had to hide and pretend they were nothing more than distant cousins, but considering how they were both beaten to death in the previous life, they had no complaints.

For the most part, it was a good life.

And then, the war began to tear the world apart.

They tried to run from it, tried to turn their backs on the signs of devastation, tried to carry on with their peaceful life.

But Lisa, her sweet, loving, gentle Lisa, couldn't stomach it.

Jennie had expected her to break. She'd known that it was getting harder and harder for them to ignore how it's become impossible to live a peaceful life when whole cities burned to the ground and children screamed into the night. She just hadn't expected Lisa to ask her to let her go to the front line. She wanted to be a medic, Lisa had said. She wouldn't actually be holding a weapon, she'd argued. She'd be safe within the camp, she'd promised.

Jennie fought against it. She knew why the army was suddenly calling for women, knew that soldiers died because there weren't enough doctors and medics, knew that no one was safe anywhere. She fought Lisa every step of the way, and as a last resort, Jennie had looked her straight in the eye and made a mistake she regrets to this day.

"I won't wait for you," she spat.

"Jennie, please," Lisa begged but didn't yield.

Jennie nodded, equally unyielding. "I'll see you in the next lifetime then."

She left her. She never looked back. She married a man. She had a family. She died peacefully (painfully, _incompletely_ ).

In the next lifetime, they fell in love again.

Only this time, Jennie wasn't met with shocked and joyful tears.

She remembers it vividly.

"I didn't go to the frontlines, you know," Lisa croaked. "I came back only a day after our fight, but you weren't there. I tried looking for you, but I couldn't find you. I lost an arm somewhere along the way, and still, I looked for you. When I couldn't look anymore, I waited."

Jennie had dropped to her knees in front of Lisa's trembling form, her heart suddenly too heavy for her body to carry.

"I wanted to help. But you wanted me to live. I wasn't wrong to want to help. But you were also right when you told me that we should make the most out of that life. I wanted to apologize because it was selfish of me to ask you to wait. But I thought I was also worth more than someone you leave behind so completely. I wanted to go back to our peaceful life. But it seemed like you didn't want me enough to come back. I looked and waited for you. But you were nowhere. I died in our home, alone, regretful, hopeless, terrified.

"My last thought was: what if this is it? What if this is the last? What if we were never destined to meet again and all I will remember of you is that you found it so easy to walk away and never look back? Do you know," Lisa clutched desperately at her clothes as Jennie sobbed because she had never thought that, never considered there to be an end, never felt as hopeless as Lisa looked, "how utterly devastating that was?"

In that lifetime, they died together because Lisa didn't want to let go and Jennie didn't want to leave.

They learn never to assume that there will be a next lifetime.

\--------------------

Here's a list of why they think the first condition exists:

  1. It's a test to see whether or not they will fall in love over and over again because this is not a guarantee, because Jennie has lived lifetimes without even knowing Lisa but always knowing she is incomplete, because Jennie has arrived too late for Lisa to love in several lifetimes.
  2. They need to learn how to love each other without their history because they are never exactly the same as who they were before.
  3. Because if they do not fall in love, or aren't given the chance to, then they will need to find another way to live a life without each other.



Here's a list of why they think the second condition exists:

  1. The human body wasn't designed to hold lifetimes' worth of memories and love and pain, and remembering means stepping far beyond the limits to accommodate the simple yet unthinkable fact that they will always have forever with each other.
  2. Pain is the consequence of having something beautiful and impossible.
  3. It is a reminder that what they have is worth all the pain in the world.
  4. According to Jennie, it's a culmination of all the hurt they've caused to each other so that they may learn from it.
  5. According to Lisa, maybe God is a sadist.



They don't ask why this happens to them. They are beautiful together, and the universe, with everything that is miraculous and impossible about it, couldn't help but break the rules for them if only to see another beautiful thing over and over again.

They are beautiful together; that's reason enough.

\--------------------

Sometimes, Jennie forgets that Lisa doesn't remember. Consequently, it's during those times that Jennie also forgets that it's dangerous to hope, that she's always just a step away from crossing a line, that Lisa doesn’t love her. Jennie doesn't know if that makes her an idiot considering all that she's lived and all that she's learned, but in her defense, Jennie remembered first only twice before. In both times, Lisa didn't take long enough for her to learn patience.

In this lifetime, it's been close to a year since she got her memories back.

Jennie has had to scrape every last bit of her patience. It's gotten to a point where she would spend an entire day in bed, crying in silence because she doesn't think Lisa will fall in love with her this time around. Briefly, she would wish she didn't fall in love with her, but that thought is always followed by guilt so she tries not to think it.

Right now, though, Jennie is finding it hard to pull the hope back where it came from.

They're at a company dinner, and after the formalities were over and done with, staff and celebrities began to mingle. Some have already taken their excess energy on the dance floor, and Jennie was one of them. She'd been bored throughout the entirety of the dinner, so when this guy, whose name she doesn't remember, asked her to dance, she'd said yes.

She _was_ having fun. She wouldn't kid herself enough to think that she isn't flattered with the way the guy blushes at everything she says or the way he managed to stutter out compliments. She tries to remember his name because if nothing else, he'd make a really good friend. He seems genuine, and his humor is enough to coax out her laughter. But every time she tries, her eyes stray to where Lisa is.

Lisa is nursing a drink, the same one from an hour ago, as far as Jennie could tell. She's staring right back at her, eyes dark and unreadable even from across the room. Jennie has seen that look before, and she tries not to think about it because this Lisa isn't the same as the one she remembers.

It's futile, Jennie knows as soon as Lisa sets her glass down on the table, rests her chin on the back of her hand, and crosses her legs. To anyone else, Lisa must look relaxed, bored even, but Jennie knows far too much. It's in the way she idly swings her foot back and forth, the way she doesn't look away, the way the corner of her lips drift almost unnoticeably lower.

Lisa is jealous.

It's times like this that make it so hard for Jennie to be patient, and she wonders if Lisa is aware that she is in love with her because then that would explain the ungodly amount of times that the blonde has unconsciously tugged her back like she's saying _you're mine_. And Jennie should really do better at repeating _I'm not yours_ like a mantra in her head, but as she steps back and thanks the man for the dance, Jennie thinks maybe she's failing at doing just that because it's a lie, because Jennie _is_ Lisa's, because Jennie is in love with her.

She hates that she has to wait. But judging by the way Lisa licks her lips as she watches her make her way back to her, Jennie, for one selfish second, allows herself to think that maybe she doesn't have to wait much longer.

She hopes. Jennie really hates that Lisa, even when she doesn't remember, has a knack for making her believe that dreams come true when all she wants to do is protect herself from hurt and disappointment.

\--------------------

In the lifetime before this one, Lisa was a nurse.

By the time they met, Jennie had already made the most out of her life. She'd known Lisa in glimpses – she was the kind nurse who made her normally inconsolable daughter laugh after scraping her knee, she was the compassionate nurse who stayed with her mother long after visiting hours was over, and she was the one person who was there when Jennie felt truly alone.

She was always familiar to her. But whenever she would get the chance to talk to her, Lisa was polite, distant, and kind. Jennie had gotten used to seeing her in glimpses and moments that she didn't think to question who she is and why she always seemed to be there when she needed something she couldn't name.

Jennie was 86 when she saw Lisa for the last time. She'd been in and out of the hospital for a while now, and it was only a matter of time before she would have to stay. Her husband has long since died in a car accident, but Jennie has learned to live despite the grief because she still had a son and a daughter. They've given her grandchildren to tell stories to, and Jennie didn't think there was anything more in this life that she could want.

Right before she sent them all home, Jennie had known that that was the last time she would ever see her family. She could feel it in the way her bones refused to move, the way everything seemed blurry, the way a feeling tugged hard at her gut. But Jennie is stronger than her body gives her credit for, and so, she holds on for as long as it takes for her family to leave her on her deathbed. She said _I love you, too_ when her family whispered the words against her temple, reminded them to _always be healthy_ before they left, murmured an inaudible _goodbye_ when they closed the hospital room door behind their backs.

She lay on the bed, struggling to keep breathing and wondering how long it would take before everything ends. Her hands felt empty, her body was cold, and her eyes finally began to fill with bittersweet tears. She had wanted to watch her grandchildren grow, wanted to see her son marry a woman who deserves him, wanted to live for all the moments she wouldn't get to have.

"I am alone," Jennie whispered in the dim light of the hospital room. She didn't want to be, but it would have been cruel to let her family see her pass.

The door opened gently.

"No, you are not," a voice said.

It took everything in Jennie to look at the newcomer, and for a moment, everything was clear. She could see the intricate patterns of the dress that hung on the woman, the way her bony hands gripped her cane, the soft kind of sadness in brown eyes. She couldn't be a handful of years younger than her, but there was something about her that made Jennie believe that she has lived too.

"Hello, Jennie," the woman greeted. "My name is Lisa."

Jennie smiled something frail and tremulous. "I remember you."

Lisa moved slowly to her bedside before pulling a chair as close as it could go and occupying it. "Not in the way I remember you."

Jennie didn't think she had the energy left to blink, so she kept her eyes open and trained on Lisa. "How are you always here?" It wasn't the question that she wanted to ask, but it was all she could push out of her throat.

Lisa seemed to understand as she smiled and motioned for her hand. "May I?"

Afraid and dying, Jennie gave her a small nod. Lisa enveloped her hand with both of hers a moment later, and Jennie has never felt warmer than she did the moment their palms met. She watched as Lisa's eyes began to fill with tears, her bottom lip quivering as she brushed her lips across her fingers. Jennie wondered who she is to Lisa. She wanted to ask a great many things, but more than anything, she wanted to comfort her. Gathering everything that still lives within her, she channeled it to her fingertips, wanting to squeeze her hand. All she managed to do was curl her fingers, but Lisa must understand because she smiles something fond and loving.

"Would you like a story?" Lisa asked, moving closer until she has her elbows resting on the bed.

Jennie managed a smile. "Yes," she rasped.

"Okay," Lisa said.

She told her about her first love. Jennie listened as best as she could. Lisa has only ever loved once, she began. She told her about a woman who walked into her office at the school she worked at decades ago. She was the mother of the girl she was keeping company. It was love at first sight, Lisa said, and she knew that she would never love another. But the woman was married and happy, and Lisa didn't want to destroy something beautiful.

She loved her from afar, tried to be there when she needed somebody, became hers in secret. The closest she ever got to the woman was a couple of years after her husband died, Lisa reminisced. She had known that the woman was sad because losing someone you love is never easy, so she went for a walk, hoping to find her. They met in a park. The woman was crying alone on a bench, and Lisa remembered hesitating to approach. But she couldn't bear to leave her alone in her sadness so she gathered up her courage, offered her handkerchief to the woman, and squeezed her shoulder.

Quick and easy, Jennie remembers something similar that happened to her. She'd been too lost in her grief to recognize the person who gave her a handkerchief and told her with certainty that everything will be alright. She went to the park because she couldn't cry at home, because her children needed her to be strong, because strangers usually didn't care. Except someone did, and when she told her that everything will be alright with such certainty, Jennie believed her.

Lisa seemed to see the recognition in her face because she lifts their hands, presses hers against a wet cheek, and doesn't let go. Jennie wanted to wipe away her tears, and she hated that her body could no longer do something so simple. Her voice had already left her, and she was so, _so_ scared. Lisa pressed a kiss against her palm like she could hear her thoughts.

"Don't be afraid," she whispered. "You'll be alright."

Again, Jennie believed her.

"It's okay," Lisa said, voice wavering. "You can go. If this is our last lifetime together, then please know that I regret nothing. I love you more than ever before."

Jennie's tears fall because she doesn't know her, but if she did, then she might have loved her.

"If we're to be blessed with another lifetime, if you fall in love with me there, if you remember me first, then wait for me. I was, am, and will always be yours."

In her last breath, Jennie smells firewood and home, sees Lisa and a smile, feels safe and loved.

In her current lifetime, Jennie does her best to wait even when it feels like it's the hardest thing she's ever had to do.

\--------------------

Here's a fact: there's no getting used to losing each other. It's always traumatizing, always painful, always unbearable.

\--------------------

Jennie feels the worst of her anxiety when Lisa gets sick.

It started with body pains and fatigue. That isn't anything new considering they've been traveling from one country to another and putting on shows even when they're way past their limits. But this time, it doesn't stop there.

The next day, Lisa starts coughing. They tell her to stay at home and that they'll deal with their managers, but Lisa can be stubborn when she wants to be so she ends up going to their rehearsal despite their obvious worry. Jennie doesn't breathe every time Lisa gets into a coughing fit, doesn't move until she's sure that the blonde drank the entire bottle of water she hands her, doesn't focus on anything but the way she winces when she moves a certain way.

That night, Lisa burns up.

"Should we go to the hospital?" Jennie asks Jisoo as she wipes Lisa's forehead and neck with a damp towel.

"I'm okay," Lisa rasps before she starts coughing into her mask. Jennie smooths a hand against her back, rubs it until the fit passes.

"You're not, Li, you're really not," she tells her and doesn't say _you're scaring me_.

Jisoo must see something on her face when she looks up at her because the next thing she knows, she's reaching over to squeeze her shoulder. "I'm going to find Chaeyoung. We'll call the managers and see if they can get a doctor over."

Jennie's throat tightens in gratitude. "Thank you."

Lisa starts coughing again, and Jennie knows she probably shouldn't do this, but she climbs onto the bed, wraps her arm around the blonde's shoulders, and pulls her against her chest. She holds on tight and tries to keep herself in the present while simultaneously trying to keep Lisa from falling apart.

"Ugh," Lisa groans into her shirt, shivering and weak and everything Jennie thinks she should never have to be. "Sorry."

Jennie hushes her and uses both arms to press her closer to her. "Don't apologize. I just need you to be okay," she mumbles, quiet and desperate.

"I will be. I just need to sleep," Lisa rasps.

"So, sleep. I'll be here when you wake up, I promise."

"You'll get sick, too."

Jennie sighs and presses a kiss to the top of her head. "Worry about yourself for once, please."

Lisa doesn't respond, and Jennie feels the grip she has around her waist slacken. She rubs Lisa's back continuously, and when her arm gets tired of the motion, she settles for counting each staggering inhale and exhale. She gnaws her bottom lip raw and looks up as soon as Jisoo steps back into the room with a glass of water.

"The doctor will be here in a few," she informs her as she sets the glass on the bedside table.

"Okay," Jennie whispers. "I'll stay here."

Jisoo gives her a disapproving look. "You really shouldn't. We can't have both of you getting sick."

Jennie shakes her head. "I'll shower and disinfect when I know she's going to be okay. I'll drink vitamins."

Jisoo sighs in resignation but doesn't make another attempt to convince her.

The doctor takes too long to arrive, Jennie grumbles in her head. And each time Lisa's breath catches like she's about to get into another coughing fit even when she's unconscious, Jennie feels like she's going to throw up. Unintentionally, she starts praying. She isn't used to it the way Chaeyoung is, but she digs deep and tries to find every little bit of faith in her heart. She begs _please let her be okay_ and _I only just found her_ and _I need her here_. And she knows she might be overreacting, but a sick Lisa is the star of her worst nightmares.

By the time Jisoo finally comes knocking, Jennie is close to tears. Lisa grumbles when she pulls away as gently as possible, and it takes everything in her to stop herself from gathering her back in her arms. She keeps a close eye as the doctor wakes Lisa, glares when she asks her to sit up, crosses her arms when the blonde groans against the brightness of the doctor's penlight. She doesn't even notice that Chaeyoung's inside with them until she lays a comforting hand on her shoulder.

It's the flu, the doctor tells them. It's nothing to worry about, she continues. Jennie tries really hard not to strangle her because Lisa looks like she can't fucking breathe and how is that not worrying? Still, she listens when she tells them to let Lisa rest until it passes, ply her with fluids, and check for any new symptoms.

Jennie doesn't leave, doesn't sleep, doesn't breathe until she knows for sure that Lisa's okay.

\--------------------

Lisa got Alzheimer's once.

It was before anyone coined a term for it – for the way Lisa started misplacing little things like the keys to their house for the past decade, for the way Lisa began forgetting bigger things like Jennie's name, for the way Lisa faded with each forgotten memory.

Jennie spent the rest of that lifetime trying to remember for her.

When Lisa couldn't tell the cab driver their address, Jennie remembers and does it for her. When the doctor told them there was nothing they could do, Jennie tried to remember how Lisa's smile looks like because the day ended with Lisa throwing a mug to the wall in anger and sadness. When Lisa began asking _who are you,_ Jennie remembered their first kiss, the first time they made love, and hid her broken heart as best as she could.

It was painful for both of them – for Lisa because she holds on to memories the way people hold on to gold, for Jennie because watching Lisa turn into a shell of who she once was is a special kind of torture she didn't think she would survive.

Still, Jennie didn't walk away. She helped her bathe when she forgot how to wash herself, she fed her soup when she forgot how to chew, she forgave her when the mood swings got the best of her.

While Lisa slept, Jennie cried and whispered _don't forget me_ in the dead of the night.

While Lisa was awake, Jennie smiled and asked _do you remember me_ and filled up the spaces in her memory with everything she remembers for the both of them.

When Lisa recognized her, even just for a few seconds, Jennie held her close, kissed her softly, and breathed _I love you_ , repeating it over and over until Lisa pushed her away and asked _who are you?_

Jennie would never forget the day Lisa lost the long-fought battle.

They had been in their bedroom, and Jennie was reading to her as Lisa rested on the bed, body turned toward her, hand in Jennie's, who was sat beside the bed, not wanting to invade Lisa's personal space and knowing how it makes her uncomfortable. It was an unusually peaceful day. The sun was bright, and the birds sang melodies into the morning. In the midst of reading a poem about love, Lisa squeezed her hand. Jennie paused and looked up, a smile finding its way to her lips out of habit and out of love.

"Do you need anything?" Jennie asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace. "Do you know who I am?" And then, out of habit, she continues, "I'm—"

"—Jennie," Lisa said just as softly.

Jennie forgot how to breathe because it had been so long since Lisa called her name without being told first. Her brown eyes shone with a recognition Jennie hasn't seen since the disease took her name out of her memories. Jennie dropped the book, uncaring of where it landed.

"Jennie," Lisa repeated, eyes filling up with tears.

"Lisa," Jennie gasped, moving swiftly to sit on the edge of the bed, bending at the waist and resting her forehead on her temple. "Lisa, Lisa."

"I love you," Lisa sobbed. "I love you," she says again like she's just as afraid that she'd forget as Jennie feels, like this is the first and only thing she thinks of saying every time she remembers long enough to complete a sentence.

"I love you, too," Jennie said without hesitation, relished the way the last word slipped past her lips because Lisa hasn't said _I love you_ first in a very long time.

"M'sorry I kept forgetting you," she slurs.

Jennie shakes her head and says, "I love you."

"Thank," Lisa gasped air in, "you."

Jennie nods and says, "I love you."

"Kiss me," Lisa begged.

Jennie does and says _I love you_ against her lips.

She does it over and over again until Lisa forgets how to keep her heart beating.

\--------------------

Here's a thought: it was cruel the way God or the universe or whatever deity is out there let Lisa remember only to make her forget.

Here's another: maybe God really is a sadist.

\--------------------

They're in quarantine like the rest of the world when Jennie starts thinking that she's finally getting used to waiting. She finds that waiting is easier to do when she can look over at Lisa just to make sure she's okay, invade her room when she wants to spend time with her, cuddle close when she needs a taste of what it feels like for dreams to come true. It also helps that Chaeyoung keeps wanting to talk about it, and though Jennie doesn't tell her anything about soulmates and reincarnation and lifetimes, it helps that someone knows exactly how much she feels for Lisa. Jisoo figured it out at some point, and Jennie actually likes that she teases her about it sometimes because when she does, being in love with Lisa feels simpler.

Seeing as there's nothing to do, they decided that they would spend tonight rifling through the entire Netflix catalog for a movie marathon. Jennie sits close to Lisa and doesn't stop herself from leaning her head on her shoulder and resting her knees on her thigh. They share a blanket, and Jennie soaks up her warmth, Jisoo's witty remarks, and Chaeyoung's laughter because this is what contentment feels like. She doesn't realize that she's nuzzling the shoulder she's resting on until Lisa presses a light kiss on the top of her head.

"Are you okay?" Lisa murmurs.

Jennie hums. "Never better."

From the corner of her eye, she sees Lisa smile before she lifts her hand and rests it on her shin so that Jennie can tuck herself closer. Jennie sighs happily, using her own hand to press the arm Lisa has across her body against her chest.

They stay like that for the rest of the movie, and Jennie distantly thinks that she wouldn't mind staying where she is for the rest of the night. She can't help the way she protests when Lisa shifts slightly as the credits roll. Chaeyoung stretches loudly, and Jisoo yawns.

"One more?" Lisa asks everyone.

"Yes, please," Chaeyoung chirps from her place on the floor, her back resting on Jisoo's legs.

"Yah, Manobal," Jisoo says with a frown on her face. "Can you get us water? All this salt from the popcorn and chicken is making my mouth taste like saltwater."

Jennie groans. "I'm comfy."

"I'm sure you are," Jisoo quips, raising a teasing eyebrow. "But we’re also going to end up dehydrated at this point."

She pouts. "No."

Lisa taps her shin. "C'mon, Ni," she smiles.

"Why can't Chaeyoung do it?"

"Because _I_ made us popcorn," Chaeyoung answers immediately.

"You mean the popcorn that's apparently going to suck us dry?" Jennie says.

Lisa chuckles, amused by her refusal to move. She rubs her thumb on her shin, and Jennie wonders how she expects her to cave when that feels really nice. "I'll get your gummy bears, and I'll give you more cuddles. Deal?"

Jennie huffs and hates that she's actually considering the offer. But she smiles, nuzzles Lisa's shoulder once more before pulling all her limbs away. "Fine."

Lisa pats her knee and gets up from the couch, groaning as she twists her torso and stretches her arms above her head. Jennie tries not to let her gaze wander. "We need a comfier couch," she grumbles as she pads away.

Jennie watches her leave, and she knows she wasn't hiding the longing so well when Jisoo starts snickering at the same time that Chaeyoung coos. She turns her attention back to them and gives them a half-hearted glare.

"You're so in love with her, it's cute," Jisoo remarks. "I don't understand how she can be so oblivious when you practically have a neon sign on your forehead."

"I'm not _that_ obvious."

"Unnie," Chaeyoung chips her two cents in. "You're not even _trying_ to hide it."

Jennie shrugs, not really knowing what to say to that because she isn't, because she's learned never to hide beautiful things, because there are worse ways to live than being hopelessly in love. She picks up the remote and starts rifling through the Netflix catalog again. When she realizes that she's looking for movies that Lisa would probably enjoy, she smiles a little because it's crazy how love can be obvious in the littlest things. She could be shopping in the mall, and she'd end up bringing a paper bag filled to the brim with cute stuff that she knows Lisa would love. She could be in a restaurant, and she'd end up ordering a basket of fries for takeout. She could be anywhere, really, and she'd end up thinking of Lisa.

Jennie really likes the way she's so used to loving Lisa.

"What're you smiling about, Jendeukie?" Jisoo asks affectionately.

Jennie shakes her head, smile still on her face. "Nothing."

"Thinking of Lisa?"

"I'm always thinking of her, Chu."

Jisoo's nose scrunches up in mock disgust. "I know. You have this look on your face. I don't really know how to describe it."

"It's cute," Chaeyoung says. "You get this little half-smile, and your eyes crinkle at the corners. You end up looking really shy but happy, if that makes sense."

"Really?" Jennie asks because she doesn't know how love looks like on her. "Is it weird?"

"No. I think it's weirder that you're not afraid to be in love with her. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you're forgetting that we live on stage," Jisoo muses.

Jennie huffs out a laugh. "But you _do_ know better. I'm not forgetting anything, unnie. I just don't believe in being afraid because she makes me feel like I could take on the world, y'know?"

"For your sake, I hope she—"

The sound of glass shattering echoes throughout the dorm, quickly followed by the sound of metal meeting the floor.

For a second, no one moves or speaks or blinks or breathes.

And then, a yelp that sounds a lot like Lisa bounces off the walls.

Jennie shoots to her feet, heart in her throat, and runs to the kitchen, Jisoo and Chaeyoung hot on her heels.

"Lisa?" She calls when she doesn't see her immediately.

There's a muffled groan. Jennie rounds the kitchen island and finds Lisa kneeling, her head pressed to the floor, hands lost in her scalp.

"Lisa!"

Carefully, she avoids the glass and the tray, almost cutting herself in her haste.

"What's happening?" Chaeyoung exclaims in panic. Jennie doesn't pay her any mind, doesn't hear anything but the sound of grinding teeth, doesn't see anything but the way Lisa turns her head to look up at her, eyes wide and terrified and disbelieving.

This was not how Jennie thought it would happen.

\--------------------

"What does it feel like for you?" Lisa asked her once while they trudged through the woods near their home in the outskirts of Daegu in the midst of the Joseon dynasty.

"Remembering?"

Lisa nodded, her lips forming a grim line because the memory of holding Jennie while she was in unimaginable pain was still too fresh for the both of them. Jennie knew that it had been terrifying for Lisa. It was only their second time around, and Jennie was almost glad that she wasn't there when Lisa remembered.

She wiped her hands on the itchy white cotton of her commoner's clothes, her palms sweating at the memory, eyes lost in a faraway gaze. When she spoke, her voice trembled.

"Painful," she said even though it was obvious. "I was freezing and burning. I couldn't move no matter how much I wanted to. I couldn't scream no matter how painful it was. When I remembered, all I knew was pain. It helped that you were there. It helped that you knew what was happening."

Lisa bit her bottom lip and stopped moving. "Do you… Do you regret it?"

Jennie froze. And then, she whirled around to face Lisa fully, anger suddenly running through her veins. "Why would you ask me that?"

"I…" Lisa stuttered, eyes falling to her feet. "It's my fault."

"What is?" Jennie asked through gritted teeth.

"That this happened to us," Lisa murmured. "If I hadn't asked you to come with me that night, if I hadn't fallen in love with you, if I hadn't vowed to find you in this lifetime, you would not have been in pain. I'm—"

"—stop," Jennie said harshly because she cannot bear to hear this. "Do you know what it was like to watch you burn?"

Lisa looked up at her in shock. They have never talked about this, both silently agreeing that it was something they shouldn't mention. Jennie watched her swallow as her hands made fists by her side.

"I will not pretend to know what it was like for you. But I know how it felt for me. It was the most _painful_ thing I have ever survived," she hissed. "I felt like I was burning along with you. My chest felt as if it was cracking open. My heart felt as if it didn't want to keep beating, as if being alive was the last thing I wanted to be. Moving, breathing, living – all of that was unbearable because I was without you. All I could remember, all I could dream of, all I could think of was you on that stake, burning to death and screaming as you did. _How_ _dare_ you ask me if I regret being able to hold you again when it was all I ever wanted until the day I died?"

Lisa was crying, stricken and impossibly sad. But Jennie wasn't done.

"I would take the pain of remembering, again and again, every day if I have to if it meant I could have you, alive and breathing and happy, for a little while more. If I hadn't said yes to you, if I hadn't fallen in love with you, too, if I hadn't vowed to find you while I knelt in front of your _ashes_ , this may not have been possible. Do _you_ regret that? Do you blame me for this?" Jennie spat, harshly wiping her face.

"No," Lisa answered without hesitation, reaching for her hands and clutching like she was afraid of letting go. "I am happiest when I am with you. I am glad that the heavens allowed me to have you. I could never regret being so blessed as to be loved by you a second time."

Jennie sniffed, gaze unwavering. "Never ask me that again, Lisa."

"I won't," Lisa nodded. "I'm sorry I did. I love you." She leaned toward, brushing her lips across her cheekbone to the corner of her mouth to her lips. "Thank you for being here. I love you," she breathes against her lips. "I love you."

Jennie closed her eyes, savored the way Lisa doesn't taste like ashes. "I love you, too." She cradled her jaw, felt the warm skin beneath her fingertips, breathed in the air that didn't smell like burning flesh.

Lisa doesn't ask or apologize ever again. Not in this lifetime, not in any of the ones after that.

\--------------------

Here's a list of their attempts to describe what the pain is like:

  1. Being told by your father that you don't deserve to be alive.
  2. Watching the person you love kiss someone else.
  3. Getting beaten and violated to death in a dark alley.
  4. Losing an arm, or losing all your limbs, for that matter.
  5. Thinking that you are not enough.
  6. Believing that life isn't worth living.
  7. Watching someone you love die with your hand in theirs.
  8. Dying.
  9. Being alone after you've spent your entire life being loved.
  10. Breathing when you want nothing more than to stop.



All of that, all at once.

\--------------------

"Jen—" Lisa lets out a staggering gasp, "—nie."

"Are you…?" Jennie asks hurriedly, unable to get the words out.

Lisa groans, pressing her head harder against the floor, eyes still trained on her. "Yes," she hisses.

Jennie doesn't need any more than that. Her heart gives a painful tug just in time for Lisa to start crying, and then, she's gathering Lisa in her arms and dragging her away from the shards of glass on the floor until her back is pressed against the cupboard, Jennie in between her legs. Lisa is stiff and tense and trembling, yelping at every little movement.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Jennie murmurs, fingers clutching desperately at any part of Lisa she can reach. "It's okay, it'll pass, you'll be okay."

Lisa's teeth click shut loudly, and Jennie has to hold onto her wrists with a bruising grip so that Lisa doesn't end up hurting herself.

"Jisoo! Chaeyoung!" She shouts but doesn't take her eyes from Lisa's, doesn't turn around, doesn't let go. "Help me!"

They drop on either side of Lisa, their hands hovering over her, unsure of what's happening and terrified out of their wits. Jennie doesn't have time to reassure them.

"What do we do?" Jisoo says, voice high-pitched and panicked.

"Make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Take her wrists. Be as gentle as you can be," Jennie instructs firmly and is infinitely glad when the two don't question her.

Lisa tips her head back, jaw dropping in a soundless scream. Jennie hurries to catch the back of her head before it could hit the cupboard and uses all her strength to drag her forward until Jennie has her forehead against Lisa's, their eyes locked on each other.

"Lisa, love," Jennie cries. "It'll pass, you know it'll pass."

Her doe eyes overflow with tears, and Jennie sees something desperate, something broken, something hopeless in them. It scares her. She wraps her other arm around Lisa's shoulders, holding her as close as possible without having to look away. Lisa's teeth click together yet again because of the movement, and Jennie knows she does it so that she doesn't scream.

"Survive this for me, please," Jennie begs. "Please. _Please_."

Lisa lets a pained groan claw out of her throat, and Jennie tries not to think about how it sounds so much like the seconds before she died on that stake.

Jennie sobs, feels something wrap around her heart, squeezing it for all its worth. "I know it hurts. But it'll pass. I promise you, darling, it'll pass."

Lisa's body seizes, and Jennie feels the thrashing before it happens.

"Hold her!"

"Fuck," Jisoo curses, moving to do as asked, holding Lisa's wrist with one hand and wraps her other arm around her waist.

Chaeyoung does the same, scared and sobbing all the while. "We should call someone!"

"No!" Jennie snaps, loud and firm, and Chaeyoung closes her eyes and starts praying.

Lisa stares at her, unblinking. She's begging her for help, begging her to take the pain away, begging her to be real. Jennie digs her nails into Lisa's shoulder, knows Lisa won't feel that, hopes that it'll be enough to keep her with her anyway.

"I'm here," Jennie vows with the same fierceness she felt when she knelt by Lisa's ashes. "You're here," she whispers with the same kind of reverence she felt when Lisa remembered her after spending their lifetime forgetting. "I love you," she promises with the same certainty she felt when she had to reassure Lisa because she couldn't believe that she did, because Jennie walked away once.

"Stay with me," Jennie begs in the way they've asked each other to on so many countless nights when everything was terrifying and devastating. Lisa whimpers.

"Have this lifetime with me," Jennie murmurs in the way they didn't get to ask in the lifetime before this because Jennie didn't remember, didn't get the chance to know her, didn't fall in love with her. Lisa sobs.

"I love you," Jennie says in the way she did the first time, the way they did every time after that, the way that made the universe decide that they deserve to be miraculous together.

Lisa _remembers_.

\--------------------

It takes forever – or at least, that's how Jennie feels. She repeats the same words over and over again, unable to do anything else despite wanting so badly to take the pain from her. Lisa's eyes have become hazy and dull, and every second that passes feels like hell for Jennie. Still, she keeps talking, keeps praying, keeps loving.

Slowly but surely, Jennie feels Lisa soften until she knows that she's only upright because of their hold around her. When Lisa's eyes close, Jennie's heart drops to the pit of her stomach. She doesn’t know if Lisa's trembling or if it's her or if it's both of them. She moves her hand from Lisa's shoulder to the middle of her back, counting each ragged inhale and exhale and feeling for a heartbeat.

"Lisa?" Jennie murmurs shakily, hoping she can hear her above Jisoo and Chaeyoung's soft cries.

Lisa is quiet.

Jennie bites her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. "Is it done?" She asks, already knowing the answer but needing Lisa to say something, do something, literally anything. She cups her wet cheek, letting Lisa's head fall gently against the cupboard. She swipes her thumb across her lips, feeling the way they part open slightly. "Lisa, love, say something. _Please_."

Lisa takes in a labored breath and Jennie holds hers. And then, doe eyes open, bright and exhausted and adoring. Her lips quirk up, and Jennie starts crying all over again.

"Hello again," Lisa husks.

Jennie surges forward and kisses her for the first time in this lifetime. Lisa's lips continue to tremble against hers, but they part just enough to fit Jennie's bottom lip perfectly with an ease that can only come with familiarity. She stays where she is for a moment or two, uncaring of the fact that Jisoo and Chaeyoung's arms are still around Lisa, not minding the way Lisa can't kiss her back properly just yet.

"Hi," Jennie says against her lips when she finally pulls back, lets the way Lisa smiles soothe her bones, fixes her bangs, and leans back a bit more.

"Have you…?" Lisa tries to ask even though her exhausted body won't let her. Jennie hears it anyway.

_Have you been waiting long?_

She shakes her head. "No. Only a couple of years." And it really isn't that long, considering Lisa spent the lifetime before this one waiting and waiting and waiting until Jennie left her first.

Lisa gives her a sheepish look. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Jennie says softly, laughing a little in her elation and relief. "Don't apologize."

Jisoo moves sluggishly as she pulls back, and Jennie sees her study them from the corner of her eye. She doesn't pay her any mind – they'll deal with that later. _Together_ , Jennie thinks joyfully.

Lisa swallows audibly like she's pushing past the remnants of the screams she smothered down. Jennie waits, lets her work through it, and knows what she's about to say but needs to hear it nonetheless. Her doe eyes fill with tears again, but this time, Jennie doesn't worry, not when Lisa looks so undeniably happy.

"I love you," Lisa says slowly, clearly, truly. It sounds like how Jennie has been waiting for it to sound – heavy with the weight of how many times they have fallen in love, how long they have loved, how much they have loved.

Jennie smiles. "I love you, too."

\--------------------

They wait for Lisa to gain enough strength to move. She wouldn't be in tip-top shape anytime soon, and Jennie is glad that they're still in quarantine. It gives Lisa time to adjust, time to recover, time to settle. There's much she wants to say to Lisa, but it'll have to wait until after they've managed to explain this to Jisoo and Chaeyoung, who are both seemingly content to sit with them quietly. Jennie understands the question in both their eyes, the overwhelming fear in Chaeyoung's, and the worry in Jisoo's. They've never had to tell anyone about their impossibility, and Jennie suspects that this won't be the first time they'll do something new in this lifetime. Sometimes, it amazes her how each lifetime always teaches them a thing or two about love.

Lisa's still trembling because their bodies don't immediately recover from pain like that, but Jennie is just relieved to see her breathing go back to normal.

"Can you move now?" She asks gently, not wanting to rush her just in case she isn't ready.

Lisa thinks it over before nodding. "Help?"

"Yeah," Jennie answers her and moves to get up from her place between Lisa's legs. But the moment she shifts, Lisa's hand shoots to her thigh, expression suddenly stricken. Jennie immediately takes her hand in hers.

"It's okay, Lis. I know. Calm down," Jennie soothes. "We just need to move to the living room, and then I'll stay for as long as you want, okay?"

It takes a second before Lisa gives a shaky sigh and a reluctant nod. Jennie moves slowly off of her, standing up on wobbly knees, and keeping her hand in Lisa's.

She addresses Jisoo and Chaeyoung. "Can you guys clean up the mess? I'll help Lisa move. And then, I promise we'll explain."

The two girls look at Lisa in apprehension, and Jennie almost coos at the way they seem unwilling to let Lisa leave their sight. Lisa notices and tries to smile at them even though her gaze wanders back to Jennie every few seconds.

"I'm okay," she says, voice still rough and breaking in between syllables.

"How can you be?" Jisoo asks, a tinge of desperation in her tone.

Jennie squeezes her shoulder. "Like I said, we'll explain."

Chaeyoung sniffles but doesn’t say anything, still lost in her shock and worry.

"Rosie," Jennie tries to catch her attention. "I promise she's okay now. She just needs to rest somewhere more comfortable. And maybe have a glass of water and hot chocolate?" Lisa nods gratefully. "She can't talk much right now, but I swear she's okay. Trust me, please?"

It takes a little more cajoling and another broken reassurance from Lisa before Jisoo and Chaeyoung concede. They all move slowly. Jisoo sweeps up the glass on the floor, Chaeyoung retrieves mugs to make them all hot chocolate, and Jennie moves like her body remembers what to do when Lisa can't carry her own weight. She urges Lisa to wrap both arms around her neck.

"Hold on as tightly as you can, love," Jennie says, the familiar instruction slipping past her lips, easy as anything. She waits for Lisa to nod before wrapping her own arms around her waist and hauling her up to her feet.

For a few seconds, Jennie keeps still, letting Lisa lean her weight on her until she feels stable enough to carry herself.

"Okay?" Jennie asks, watching the way Lisa's brow furrows in concentration. She takes a step and doesn't fall.

It's all the confirmation that Jennie needs. They move slowly but with each step, Jennie can feel Lisa getting reacquainted with her own body. She's still trembling, and Jennie knows that it won't stop anytime soon, but it's enough for her that the pain didn't seem to cause Lisa any lasting damage aside from the bruises on her wrist from when they were trying to keep her from hurting herself.

They eventually make it to the living room and instead of helping her onto the couch, she urges her slowly down to the carpeted floor, knowing exactly what Lisa needs right now and thinking this position might be better if they want to be able to talk to Jisoo and Chayeoung.

She lets go as soon as Lisa manages to sit. She feels a hand grip weakly at the leg of her pajama pants as she moves to take one of the cushions and putting it between Lisa's back and the couch. She doesn't step too far out of reach when she turns around to push the coffee table just enough for Lisa to be able to stretch her legs. Lisa immediately makes space for her between her legs – Lisa's favorite cuddling position in every lifetime unless they're sleeping, in which case Jennie almost always ends up holding Lisa.

"Do you need anything? Are you comfortable?" Jennie fusses a bit. Lisa gives her a small smile, a happy blush on her still-pale cheeks.

"Need you," she answers.

Jennie relaxes and situates herself in the space Lisa left for her, her back pressed against her chest. Lisa immediately wraps her arms around her shoulders as tightly as she can, her chin dropping on her shoulder. Jennie feels her breathe her in deeply before Lisa turns to run the tip of her nose against her jaw up to her cheek, stopping at her temple. Jennie closes her eyes and lets her take what she needs because this is the only way she can try to make up for never remembering her in the lifetime before this one.

"You waited," Lisa reverently whispers against her skin.

"Of course, I did."

"You waited," Lisa repeats, this time a little shakily in the way she does when Jennie knows she's about to cry.

"I did," Jennie promises.

Lisa lightly drags her nose until her lips press against the shell of her ear. "Thank you," she murmurs, and even after all this time and all their lifetimes together, it makes Jennie's toes curl.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were waiting."

Lisa shrugs weakly. "You were," she swallows, "happy."

Jennie reaches back to lay a hand on Lisa's nape, turning ever so slightly to kiss her. She lingers until she feels Lisa press back.

"I'm happiest when I'm with you. You know that, right?"

Lisa nods and rests her forehead against hers. "I do."

"Good."

There's still so much they have to talk about, but for now, Jennie lets Lisa soak and breathe and take her in. She's not going to be willing to let go for a while, and Jennie is more than okay with that because she did the same thing when Lisa died before she could fall in love with her, when it was Jennie who waited, when she got Lisa back in the lifetime after that. She feels Lisa nuzzle her pulse point, and Jennie automatically tilts her neck to the side, allowing Lisa to press harder against her skin, hoping that the feeling of her pulse is enough to make up for how much Lisa must've grieved when she died with her hand in hers. She melts back into Lisa and lets herself realize how much she has missed being held against her until there's no space left, until they couldn't possibly be any closer, until Lisa bends and molds her body to fit hers.

Jisoo and Chaeyoung find their way back to the living room just as she lifts a hand to rest it on Lisa's knee. They look apprehensive and surprised and worried, and Jennie doesn't expect how much she hopes they'll believe her when she starts explaining. It would be nice, Jennie thinks, to have someone who could help carry the weight of their impossibility.

She watches them as they forgo the couch and chairs, setting two mugs on the coffee table and the other two right beside Lisa's outstretched leg before sitting cross-legged on either side of Lisa's feet. Jennie doesn't make a move to stop them when Jisoo wraps her hand around Lisa's ankle and when Chaeyoung fiddles with her sock-clad toes. Lisa doesn't startle but she unglues herself from her neck to lift her head, pressing her cheek to her temple instead so that she can look at the two and still feel Jennie's warm skin.

Chaeyoung bursts into tears.

"Chaeng," Lisa croaks.

When she doesn't follow up with anything else, Jennie takes over for her. "Chaeyoung-ah, she's okay. I'm sorry we scared you."

"Are you," Chaeyoung sniffles, "sure?"

Lisa nods. "I'm okay."

They're quiet for a while. Jennie waits for Jisoo and Chaeyoung to find their composure because although the former doesn't cry again, she can see the way the skin beneath her eyes are still red. Jennie can't help the swell of affection that blooms in her chest.

"Will you explain?" Jisoo asks when she looks like she's sure she won't cry. "Are you… Are you sick?"

Jennie looks up slightly at Lisa, who meets her gaze steadily. It's a risk, they know. Jisoo and Chaeyoung may not believe them, may claim they’re insane, may go so far as to get them checked into a psych ward. They could lose them, and this is why Jennie finds herself hesitating despite wanting them to know. She seeks reassurance in Lisa's eyes because she's always been better at gauging people than she is. Lisa stares right back at her, and Jennie knows that she's seeing her fear and anxiety because doe eyes soften, her lips quirking up.

"Okay then," Jennie mutters before turning back to Jisoo and Chaeyoung – both of whom were watching their silent conversation happen. She sighs, suddenly more than a little bit afraid. Lisa nuzzles her shoulder in response, and _that's_ the thing that draws her courage out.

"You may not believe us," she starts. "It's a tall tale," she adds (stalls). "But we want to tell you the truth."

Jisoo straightens her back, fingers clutching her mug of hot chocolate. Chaeyoung only looks back at her with something that looks a lot like trepidation.

Lisa murmurs _I love you_ against her ear, and Jennie thinks that no matter what happens she will have her if no one else. It's enough.

She explains.

\--------------------

Here's how it goes: Jennie does most of the explaining, Lisa chips in whenever she can, Jisoo is stoic all throughout, and Chaeyoung cycles through a wide range of human emotions.

Here's how it ends: in complete and utter silence.

\--------------------

Jennie sits still against Lisa for as long as she can, both of them trying to give Jisoo and Chaeyoung space to process. It took a couple of hours to explain everything they know about their connection and impossibility. Jennie didn't think it was a good idea to explain any of their past lives to them except for the first one. She'd tried to be as honest as possible while also not wanting to scar them with a vivid description of the 16th-century witch trials. Lisa breathes serenely, chin resting on her shoulder, and Jennie wishes she had her calm. Jisoo and Chaeyoung are as still as stone, both staring at them rather intensely. It makes her want to fidget or run away or hide.

"Ni," Lisa calls. Jennie jumps in surprise considering they've all been quiet for the past ten minutes.

Scrubbed raw from the events of the day, Jennie falls back on her baser instincts, which is to say that she turns all her attention on Lisa.

"Yes?" She asks gently because Lisa seems shy. "What do you need, love?" The term of endearment rolls easily off her tongue, and she can't help but smile at the way Lisa brightens because of it.

Lisa presses a light kiss on her cheek, and Jennie feels her happiness against her skin. "I think I can drink my hot chocolate now."

Jennie nods and reaches for their untouched mugs, Lisa's arms migrating from her shoulders to her waist so that she can move. "Do you need me to hold it for you?"

"No, I'm alright, love. Thank you," Lisa answers as she accepts the mug that Jennie passes to her.

She watches her to make sure that she won't drop the mug. The tremors seem to have passed, and while she's still moving slowly and carefully, Lisa manages to bring it to her lips. Jennie takes a sip from her own mug just as Lisa does the same, twin sighs of contentment escaping them. The synchronicity of it all pulls a soft giggle from her chest, loving how easy it is to match Lisa's heartbeat with her own. She uses her thumb to wipe the little bit of chocolate mustache on Lisa's upper lip, the movement soft and gentle like she's trying to whisper something.

Lisa hears it loud and clear, kisses the pad of her thumb, and says, "I love you, too."

Jennie feels the corner of her eyes crinkle in happiness, and she realizes that the wait was worth it. She looks at Lisa and sees all versions of her, everything alive about her, and the person she fell in love with in this lifetime. It feels like falling in love countless times is a single moment, and Jennie lets it happen and wants, more than ever before, her heart to be no one else's but Lisa's. As if hearing her thoughts, Lisa slips a hand under her shirt and rubs at the skin above her hipbone. Jennie feels instantly comforted. They smile at each other over the tip of their mugs just like they've done over dining tables and restaurants and bedrooms and couches and forest floors when words just didn't do a good enough job to tell each other that they are happy and content and in love.

"Jennie," Jisoo speaks for the first time. Jennie predictably startles, having honestly forgotten that they had company and that she was supposed to be waiting anxiously for their reactions.

Hesitantly, she turns back to the other two. Jisoo looks like she's torn between believing them and calling them insane. Chaeyoung hasn't stopped staring and looking like she's questioning everything she believes. Lisa seems to see something Jennie doesn't.

"It's okay, Jisoo-unnie," Lisa says, voice hoarse but steady. "You can ask. We won't get offended."

For a split second, Jisoo visibly hesitates. Jennie doesn't know if it's because of Lisa's kindness or because Lisa said _we_ so certainly like she's used to understanding how Jennie feels and thinks and is comfortable enough in that knowledge to speak for the both of them.

Jisoo lowers her mug and licks her lips – a nervous habit. "Are you…" She hesitates once more but Jennie smiles at the same time that she feels Lisa's head dip in what she supposes is an encouraging nod. "Are you… insane?" She finally manages to ask but not unkindly.

Jennie suddenly understands that Jisoo needs to ask this because she needs to hear it to believe it. She doesn't ask just because it's a tall tale and there's nothing in her that believes them; she asks because she'll regret not doing so. Jisoo has always been thorough like that.

Before either of them can answer, Chaeyoung speaks up, her words quiet and shaky. "I don't think they are."

Later, Jennie will wonder what made Chaeyoung say that. For now, she looks Jisoo straight in the eye. "We're not," she answers as firmly as possible without sounding like she's insulted because she isn't.

Jisoo lets out a shaky sigh. "I didn't think so," she mumbles more to herself than to anyone, really.

"I can understand why you would think that, Chu," Jennie says. "But believe it or not, that's our truth. Take all the time you need to process. Please remember that we're still the same people you knew. We're just a little more… complicated."

"If you have any questions," Lisa adds, "please don't hesitate to ask. We'll answer the best we can."

Jennie nods. "We want to share this with you, but we understand that it'll take time. And if you don't end up believing us, that okay. I-I just hope you can still find it in yourselves to care for us the way you did before."

Jisoo and Chaeyoung are quiet after that, and all that's left for Jennie and Lisa to do is hope.

\--------------------

Here's how Jisoo comes to terms with Jennie and Lisa's truth:

  1. Slowly, but surely.
  2. She wakes up the next day and doesn't feel like she's rested. She finds Jennie and Lisa in the kitchen, moving fluidly around each other like they've been doing it for years. Lifetimes, apparently.
  3. Lisa helped Jennie cook. It was perfect. She cooks on her own the day after, and everything tastes really, _really_ good for someone who once burnt pasta.
  4. She asks them for physical proof, and they tell her that they have always decided never to get their pictures taken and that Lisa had apparently tracked down and destroyed every photo of Jennie when she didn't remember. But Lisa smiles sheepishly after a moment and tells them all that she might have made an investment a few years before she died in the last lifetime (Jisoo can't help the way she pales at the word) and that she may or may not be very, _very_ rich now. Jennie stares at her for a solid two minutes before promptly telling her that Lisa's buying their first house. Lisa scratches the back of her neck, grins, and says, "yes, dear."
  5. Lisa develops a habit of pinching her right arm. Jisoo asks her about it. Lisa's face clouds over. Jennie takes her right hand. They tell her that she lost it once sometime during World War I.
  6. They start criticizing every documentary about history, and it gets so bad that Jisoo almost always ends up pausing it just so she can hear the more accurate account from them both.
  7. When Lisa forgets where she placed her phone, Jennie panics. At first, Jisoo thought she was overreacting. And then, Lisa manages to calm her down by telling her that she'll undergo tests just to make sure that she doesn't have the genetic markers for Alzheimer's. Jennie bursts into tears and nearly begs them all to do the same. Jisoo concedes without much of a fight because the hopelessness on Jennie's face and the sheer sadness in Lisa's eyes scared her, because it's hard to believe that they can fake that kind of devastation, because it looks real enough for Jisoo to feel a part of it.
  8. Jisoo regrets asking how Lisa died the first time. No one uses the stove for a week.
  9. When Jennie and Jisoo go out for a quick run to the grocery store after dark, Lisa calls them every five minutes. At this point, Jisoo has learned not to judge too quickly. As soon as they make it back to the dorm, Lisa is pulling Jennie into her arms, touching every patch of skin she can find. Jisoo asks only when Lisa manages to calm down, and they tell her that once, Jennie went out to get them dinner and never made it back home. They don't expound, and Jisoo doesn't want them to.
  10. They discuss making donations over lunch. They all end up donating to organizations for orphans (because they've both been orphaned at least once), domestic violence victims (because Lisa had to marry someone who beat her within an inch of death), LGBTQIA+ youth (obviously), and a whole bunch of others. They make sure to do it anonymously.



Here's how Chaeyoung comes to terms with Jennie and Lisa's truth:

  1. Almost immediately.
  2. Chaeyoung found it hard to deny when Jennie and Lisa acted like they're an old married couple when they were nothing but best friends hours ago. Jennie stayed in Lisa's arms the entire time she was explaining it to them, and whenever one of them would shift, the other would move like they can't be anything other than two pieces of a puzzle stuck together.
  3. The day after getting her mind blown, Chaeyoung swallows her disbelief and existential crisis and goes to find the couple because she needs to make sure that Lisa's alright. She finds them in Jennie's bedroom, and Chaeyoung slips in the bed beside them, the atmosphere so heavy with contentment that she couldn't help but relax. Lisa entertains her with memes on her phone. Jennie doesn't attempt to join the conversation, eyes fixed on her book. When Lisa falls asleep, still apparently exhausted, Jennie closes her book and tugs the blanket up Lisa's chin. Chaeyoung gets up to leave, but Jennie places a hand on her arm and stops her. She stays. It's weird that she doesn't feel awkward considering she pretty much invaded their space, doesn't feel like they want her out, doesn't feel like she's intruding. In fact, she kind of feels like a child who asked to sleep in her parents' room after a nightmare – safe, secure, loved.
  4. Chaeyoung asks them about their favorite meeting. It takes them a while to answer, but when Lisa's grin turns kind of embarrassed and a smirk stretches Jennie's lips, they answer at the same time. Jennie had been a singer for an underground bar once. Lisa happened to walk in, tripped on a chair in her haste to follow Jennie backstage, and appeared in front of her with a hand on a bloody nose. She'd greeted Jennie with a muffled and wincing _hello, woman in red, please tell me your name because I almost died trying to get to you_ , and Jennie spent five whole minutes laughing at her before managing to tell Lisa her name. Their first date was spent in an emergency room before they ended up sitting on a park bench from sundown to sunrise, talking about everything and nothing. They remember at the same time a week later when Lisa walked straight into a lamppost because she was too busy staring at Jennie's lips to pay attention. Chaeyoung finds herself wanting to have that kind of connection with someone.
  5. Jennie makes the best apple pie from scratch and without the help of a recipe. Chaeyoung doesn't think she's ever going to order apple pie elsewhere.
  6. Lisa, ever competitive, cooks them a full course meal the next day. Even without the pandemic, Chaeyoung doesn't think she'll ever feel the need to go to a restaurant to eat.
  7. On another movie night, Lisa says _darling_ and nothing else, but Jennie immediately shuffles closer, says _I'm here_ , and takes Lisa's hand in hers. Lisa tells them about the lifetime before this one. There's no faking the sheer grief in Lisa's eyes when she tells them that she held Jennie's hand in hers long after she was gone, and Chaeyoung thinks her heart might break at the way Jennie whispers her apologies and gratitude and love in Lisa's ear and the way Lisa looks at Jennie like she's expecting her to disappear.
  8. Chaeyoung doesn't know why, but it helped her believe them a little more when they told her that love at first sight very rarely happened for them, that their love was always slow but encompassing, that there's a handful of times when they just didn't get the chance to fall in love with each other. It reminds her that theirs is a story that doesn't belong in fairytales, that they're two people who have survived loss and grief and heartbreak, that they've had to fight for and build their relationship for it to become what it is now.
  9. It's immediately apparent to Chaeyoung that Jennie and Lisa are connected in a way that lets them have silent conversations and inside jokes as if they know each other's heart as much as they know their own.
  10. Lisa tackles her to the ground as soon as she regains the energy to do it, and Jennie still acts cutely, and Chaeyoung thinks that Jennie was right when she said that they're still the same people, except now, they're a little more complicated. Chaeyoung can handle complicated.



\--------------------

Two months after Lisa finally remembered, Jennie feels like they've more or less managed to find a balance between their previous lives and their current one. Lisa's managed to sleep through the night in the past week. She still can't bear to be away from Jennie too long, but she's making progress in that area judging by the way she went to dance with Cheshir-unnie a couple of days ago. Jennie counts it for something even though Lisa ended up having to call her twice every hour she was gone. She supposes it helped that Jisoo and Chaeyoung seemed to have chosen to believe them, and they've all managed to accommodate the new reality quite well. Jennie definitely doesn't mind that they’ve begun teasing her and Lisa whenever they cuddle up outside their respective rooms because that's better than the initial shock and invasive staring.

Jennie sighs as she steps out of the shower, loving the way the steam billows out as soon as she opens the door, the way the cool air from the outside soothes her warm skin, the way the bathrobe wraps around her body. There were few things she enjoyed as much as a warm bath after a long day of shoots.

Jisoo and Chaeyoung were still out for recording, and Jennie doesn't think they'll be coming back anytime soon given that their day started way later than hers. Lisa came back from her own schedule an hour before she did, and if she's not mistaken, then she'll find Lisa on her bed because the woman hasn't slept in her own bedroom since she remembered. She knows that they'll figure out what to do when the need for alone time arises, but for now, Jennie can't think of a better way to start and end the day than to have Lisa in her arms.

She pads to her bedroom and knows she's right when she sees that her door is ajar. She finds Lisa sitting on the edge of her bed, smiling at her.

"Hey," Jennie greets softly.

Lisa pats her thigh. "Come here, Nini."

Jennie does because she likes the way that nickname's making a comeback – it means that Lisa's feeling a little more grounded in the present.

She sits sideways on Lisa's lap and giggles at the way Lisa immediately dives to her neck.

Lisa hums. "You smell good," she murmurs. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," Jennie answers as she wraps an arm around Lisa's shoulders and starts playing with her hair. "Are _you_?"

"Mm-hmm."

Jennie shivers at the feeling of Lisa humming against her skin. "Any more pain? Or aftershocks?"

"Just a little weakness, I think. But it isn't anything to worry about," Lisa says before she presses a gentle kiss on the juncture where her neck meets her shoulder. "I missed you today. I'm sorry I kept calling you. I know you were in the middle of a shoot the last two or three times I called."

Jennie tilts her head to the side when Lisa presses another kiss on a spot higher than the last. "It's okay. It's a work in progress. And it's not like I don't understand. Remember when _you_ died too early, and I had to wait until the next lifetime? I was more a leech than I was human. I don't think we went out for, like, half a year."

Lisa chuckles softly. "I remember. Thank God we have phones now, right? Or else, trying to hide us from the public would have been a lost cause."

"The technology definitely helps," Jennie sighs happily when Lisa presses yet another kiss, this time to her pulse point. "What are you doing?"

She pulls back just enough to look into Lisa's eyes, the brown in them a touch darker than usual. Lisa licks her lips, and when she leans in, Jennie meets her halfway. Something about the way the hand around the curve of her waist tightens its hold makes her press harder, opening her mouth when Lisa licks at her bottom lip, her breath stuttering in her chest when Lisa meets her tongue with hers. It starts the way they fell in love – slow like the way they reacquaint themselves to each other's taste, sure like the way Lisa bites gently on her bottom lip before letting it go, and inevitable like the way Jennie only manages to gasp for air once before diving back in.

Jennie sinks her other hand in black hair at the same time that Lisa pulls her waist until she gives in and straddles her, their kisses steadily increasing in their intensity. She's reminded that this body has yet to become used to their ardor when she has to break the kiss to inhale sharply after Lisa sucks on her tongue. Lisa doesn't stop. Instead, her lips travel to the corner of her mouth then up her jaw. Jennie can't help the whimper that escapes her lips when Lisa brushes her hair out of the way so that she can capture her earlobe with her teeth.

The sound gives them pause, but it does nothing to stop the growing ache in Jennie's chest and belly. Suddenly desperate, Jennie seeks out Lisa's lips once again, acutely aware that there's something more than lust in the way she's trying to pull her closer and the way Lisa's hands are pressing against her back. There's nothing messy about the way they kiss, but Jennie feels Lisa's need in the way she drags her tongue against the roof of her mouth. She's sure Lisa can feel the same need from her when she kisses her again and again until they're both breathless and panting.

Lisa stares up at her, her neck tilted back a bit, and they're so close that Jennie can watch the way her pupils devour the gold and green specks in her eyes. They catch their breath against each other's lips as Jennie cradles Lisa's jaw with her hands, her hair slightly shielding them from the rest of the world. This feels different from the countless times they've kissed in this lifetime. It feels raw and vulnerable and heavy, and it makes the ache in her chest and belly intensify so much so that Jennie can't quite breathe.

Without ever looking away from her, Lisa's hands move from her back to her hips to her sides, stopping around her ribcage, her hold so soft and gentle that she almost can't feel it if not for the dip of the fabric of the bathrobe against her sensitive skin where Lisa's fingertips rest. Jennie bites her lip to keep from kissing Lisa again because if she does, then she might not be able to stop.

"I need you," Lisa says, voice barely above a whisper and tone low. Jennie shivers but doesn't look away.

"I need you, too," Jennie answers, honest and sincere and certain. "But only if you can promise me that you're okay. I never want you to be in any more pain, Li. I can wait."

Lisa gives her a half-smile, dark doe eyes softening. "I'm okay. I promise, love. I…" She hesitates.

Jennie rubs her cheek with her thumb. "Tell me."

This time, Lisa's smile is a little sad and a little fragile. "I don't think I can wait anymore."

Almost immediately, the back of her eyes starts to burn. Jennie wonders how many times they'll have to talk about the lifetime before this one until they can both make peace with it. She violently smothers the apologies in her throat, knowing that it's the last thing that Lisa wants to hear. She lowers her head just enough to kiss Lisa softly – an unspoken apology for the things they couldn't control.

"You didn't have anyone?" She asks, hoping that Lisa knows that she wouldn't fault her if she did.

But Lisa shakes her head, and somehow, that's worse. "I couldn't. At least not anyone serious. I didn't think it was fair for them when I knew I couldn't love them the same way I do you."

"Oh, darling," Jennie sighs softly because Lisa is too kind for this world.

Lisa ducks her head and kisses her chin in response and says, "we're here now."

But Jennie can hear the way she says it like she's trying to convince herself, the way it's not doing a very good job of erasing the tiny bit of doubt in Lisa's face, the way she sounds sad even though she's trying not to be. _This_ is why Lisa needs her.

Gently, she urges Lisa to scoot back to the middle of the bed until she's flat on her back, looking up at her like she's afraid to blink. Jennie presses herself against Lisa, letting their legs tangle together, and leaning her weight on the hands she rests beside Lisa's head. Like it was instinct more than anything, Lisa lifts a hand and sinks it into her hair. She watches the movement of her own hand like she's memorizing the way Jennie's hair envelopes her fingers. And then, Jennie feels her other hand travel from her wrist to the inside of her arm to her shoulder to her cheek. She shivers but doesn't stop Lisa, knows she needs this, feels the same need. Jennie drops down to her elbows, careful not to hurt Lisa, and presses a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm yours," she says against skin and bangs. "And you are mine." She presses a kiss on her nose. "We’re here." She kisses her cheek. "And this lifetime is ours." She kisses her lips.

Lisa echoes her when she whispers, "together."

"I missed you," Lisa tells her after a moment, and something about the way she says it makes Jennie think that she _still_ misses her.

She plants a quick reassuring kiss on Lisa's lips before sitting up. She unties the bathrobe, takes it off her bare skin slowly, drops it somewhere on the floor, rests her hands on Lisa's stomach underneath her shirt, and leaves herself completely and utterly vulnerable. Lisa's eyes don't stray from her own, always adamant about receiving consent even though Jennie can see the way her eyes darken even further. Jennie loves this about her because it means that Lisa adores and respects and loves her enough to set aside her need in favor of ensuring that she's comfortable, that this is what she wants, that _she_ is who she wants.

"Make love with me, Lalisa."

\--------------------

Here's what _making love_ entails:

Jennie's hands slide up Lisa's skin as the woman sits up, immediately raising her arms so that Jennie can pull her shirt off of her. For a moment, they stare at each other, their torsos bared for each other, their breaths measured and calm, their hearts wholly captivated by all that they are. The moment lingers, and then, all at once, it snaps as Lisa inhales sharply and Jennie leans forward, both of them helpless to the pull that attracts them to each other, lifetime after lifetime, regardless of who remembers and who doesn’t, who waited and who was too late, who looked and who was found.

Lisa demands entry with her tongue, and Jennie is more than willing to give it to her. Jennie wraps her arms around Lisa's shoulders, and Lisa's own arms find home around her waist. There is nothing hesitant about their kisses, nothing shy, and nothing held back in the way they take from each other what they are both willing to give. Lisa licks into her mouth with the tenacity of someone who can and has and will hold onto a love like theirs even if it hurts like nothing else she's ever known, and Jennie bites her lips with the ardor of someone who knows that she cannot and did not and will not love anyone as much as she loves Lisa.

Jennie coaxes out a muffled moan from Lisa when she lets her hands wander down to her breasts, reacquainting herself to their weight, to the way they fit perfectly in her palms, to the way Lisa breaks the kiss to arch so fucking beautifully that Jennie finds herself enamored of everything that she is. Lisa gasps and leans back and supports her weight with her hands behind herself when Jennie drags her nails lightly further down her ribs and stomach until she's stopped by the band of Lisa's sweatpants.

They work together to remove the rest of Lisa's clothes, both chuckling softly when her pants get caught around her ankles before falling back against each other, unwilling to let the other be away from them for even a second. Lisa guides Jennie onto her back, holding her so gently that Jennie could believe that Lisa thinks she is to be nothing but cherished. It makes her lean up, her mouth seeking Lisa's in a kiss that sears and flares and burns.

Jennie takes her time as she starts pressing open-mouthed kisses on the curve of Lisa's neck, careful not to leave any marks despite the way her teeth ache with the need to leave her imprint on her skin. She hunts down each and every spot that makes Lisa gasp and pant until the woman above her whines a low _Jennie_ when she finally finds the patch of skin just below her ear that's sensitive to her lips. All the while, she trails her hands up and down Lisa's back, feeling each notch of her spine, dipping her fingers in the small of her back, and then, curving a hand around her nape. She tells her _I am yours and you are mine and we are here_ over and over again with every bruising grip, every possessive lick, every adoring kiss.

Lisa breaks when Jennie drags her tongue around the shell of her ear, then nibbles her earlobe, before finally whispering a heated _I love you_. She sits up, and Jennie traces her figure with her eyes, soaking in the sight of her heaving chest, the flush on her neck and cheeks, her parted lips. She is captivating like this, Jennie thinks somewhere in the back of her mind.

Lisa takes one of her hands and presses a kiss to each finger before doing the same to her palm, to her pulse, to the length of her arm. When she gets to the sensitive and soft skin of the inside of her bicep, Lisa's other hand finds the peak of her breast. Jennie shivers, arches, groans. Lisa doesn't stop. She moves her kisses from her bicep to the side of her breast, worshipping every rib and dip. She traces the curve of her breast, follows it for as long as she can before moving further up and taking the peak into her mouth. Jennie moans and uses the hand that Lisa's not holding to press her harder against her, hips lifting off the bed in search of relief.

Lisa sucks a mark over the patch of skin right above her heart, and Jennie hears _you are mine_. She moves to her sternum, all lips and tongue, as she presses Jennie's hand against her own heart, and Jennie hears _I am yours_. She leaves molten heat and overwhelming gratitude on her skin as she kisses her way back to her mouth, and Jennie hears _we are here_.

"I love you," Lisa says in between kisses, both desperate and soft.

Jennie's eyes fill with tears when Lisa stops long enough to just _look_ at her like she's seeing all that she is, all that she was, and all that she could be. "I love you," she husks as she drags her hand in between their bodies, reminding Lisa's skin and bones that _this_ is how it feels like to be loved by Jennie's fingertips.

Lisa mirrors the movement and doesn't stop her own tears from falling on Jennie's cheek.

 _Together_ is all they hear and think and feel when they press into each other, slowly, carefully, tenderly. Jennie's jaw drops open, arches, her eyes half-lidded but focused on Lisa. In turn, Lisa keens, grinds down, her eyes seeing nothing but the woman beneath her. Jennie wraps her other arm around her shoulders, pulling and needing her closer, and for a moment, everything stops, suspending them in time, in each other, in love.

And then, Lisa kisses her hard and curls her fingers inside Jennie, and everything starts burning.

They move in tandem, matching each other in and out, thrust for thrust, moan for moan, heartbeat for heartbeat.

"More," Lisa begs, breathless, and Jennie presses three fingers inside her and uses her thumb against her clit.

"Harder," Jennie pleads, panting, and Lisa pushes in until she's knuckle-deep and curls her fingers on her way out.

Jennie scratches marks on Lisa's back, and when that didn't seem like it was enough, she searches for her mouth and kisses her desperately, swallowing every choked groan as Lisa swallows every harsh gasp.

"Jennie," Lisa sobs when she starts shaking, her walls pulling Jennie in. "Ni."

" _God_ ," Jennie pants in return when she feels her own orgasm approaching. "I'm—" her voice breaks to make way for a cry "—yours."

And then, Jennie's body seizes, arching into Lisa, mouth dropping open in a silent scream just as Lisa grinds down, dropping onto Jennie, lips pressed to her neck as she moans.

In this moment, there is no history, no previous lifetimes, no impossibilities.

There is just Jennie and Lisa and their love and everything else beautiful and breathtaking and blissful about them.

\--------------------

Everything is easier after that. There's no more hesitation, no more doubt, no more fear.

Jennie loves Lisa. And Lisa loves Jennie.

No ifs, no buts – everything is as it should be.

\--------------------

Jennie thumbs through a new notebook. This one doesn't have a single song in it yet, and she can't wait to fill it up with the pieces of her heart she always leaves behind in between the lines.

The dorm is quiet, peaceful in a way it rarely is. Jisoo is fast asleep in her room, trying to catch up on the sleep they lost when they were filming and promoting their album. Chaeyoung is out with her sister on a rare lunch date. Lisa won't be home until later, and Jennie thinks it's stupid that she misses her. Still, she reaches for her phone.

_Come home._

Lisa doesn't reply, and Jennie wasn't really expecting her to, so she busies herself with filling up an entire page of random words that she wants to play around with for the next song. She writes _completing each other's sentences_ in one corner, scribbles _tell me about your day_ in another. She doesn't really know what she's writing about, but her hand moves on its own as it stitches words together into phrases and sentences, her heart playing its own rhythm.

As she writes, she thinks of Lisa. They've had countless conversations, and they've struggled to answer each other's questions. Jennie had asked her if she was tired of loving her, and Lisa had looked at her like she was insane and told her _never_ like the thought alone was unfathomable. Lisa had asked her if she wished she could love someone else in this lifetime, and Jennie had kicked her off the bed and told her _I can't imagine loving and being loved by someone other than you, you idiot_. Lisa had scrambled back up onto the bed and gathered her in her arms, her face apologetic. _It's you,_ Jennie had told her, _just you. Always you._

Jisoo and Chaeyoung still ask about their previous lifetimes when they think of questions, and Jennie loves that she can tell them stories. It means that she can tell them all about love and hope that it helps them understand that there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be loved the way they deserve even when it seems impossible. Jisoo scrunched up her nose when she and Lisa recreated how they'd serenaded each other, but Jennie was pleased to see something a lot like longing in her eyes when she looked at Chaeyoung. Lisa had nudged Chaeyoung with a teasing grin, and Jennie hopes that one day soon, they'd realize that everything they could possibly want was one truth away.

Returning to the present, she blinks at the suddenly full page. She doesn't know how long she'd been writing and daydreaming, but she looks up when she hears the front door open. Lisa steps into the doorway, looking disheveled and tired. Jennie almost stands up to welcome her home, except Lisa finds her easily. There's this brilliant smile that stretches her lips and chases the stress and exhaustion away, and Jennie thinks it's silly that something so simple could make her toes curl and her stomach clench.

Jennie chuckles as she watches Lisa hurriedly remove her shoes, almost tripping over her own feet in her haste to get to her. She drops her bag haphazardly on the couch before reaching for her hand and tugging her up. Jennie follows the motion easily and finds that wrapping her arms around Lisa's waist is as easy as breathing. She sighs as Lisa breathes her in, nose buried in her neck.

"I'm home, Jen," Lisa says, voice all soft and adoring.

Jennie smiles, rests her chin on Lisa's shoulder, and lets her pull her closer. "What took you so long?"

"Can't remember," Lisa tells her like she can't think of anything other than having her in her arms. Jennie kinds of hates that she still melts.

She presses a kiss on her shoulder. "I love you, Lisa."

Lisa's hold tightens for a moment, as if it still surprises her to hear that, before pulling back just enough to kiss her properly, gently. Jennie smiles against her lips and feels like her heart might burst.

"I love you," Lisa murmurs. "Always, in all ways."

Jennie has heard this countless times before, and it really shouldn't be able to make something inside her ache like her heart's trying to expand just so it could love this woman a little deeper, but that's exactly what it does. She wonders if maybe (hopefully) this lifetime is where she gets to marry Lisa. She thinks of the ring she carries everywhere just so Lisa wouldn't find it, and Jennie hopes that marrying her is a first that this lifetime can offer.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Twitter: @snowandwolves! :D


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